April 11, 2011

So, so far I've really only mentioned my relationship. It may seem weird or obsessive, but I'm in one of those relationships where I just can't say some things sometimes.
I want to say a lot of things to him, but he always tells me that he's not ready.
And that he's unsure of a lot of things.
And it's not that I don't get that.
But, I'm ready to move forward in a direction that I feel like he's not ready.
Sometimes I see him in my future - or at least I think about what it would be like.
Sometimes, I feel like he doesn't even see me in his present.
He won't let me call him my boyfriend.
I'm not allowed to change my relationship status to anything - so I just took it off.
He threw a fit when I asked him to change his.
Don't get me wrong though, I'm soo happy in this relationship.
But that's just it. I don't even know if it's a relationship.
I love this boy more than the moon and the stars.
He makes me happy in ways that no one else could ever.
He believes in me and has helped me come out of a really bad situation in beautiful health.
This boy is amazing, and I don't know what I would do without him.
Which is exactly why I just bite my tongue.
It's easier to me to just swallow the unimportant words, and keep moving forward, because those words don't solve anything, and they don't make anyone happy.
He told me he'd let me know when he was ready, but I wonder if he's ever going to be ready.
He has the best of both worlds like this.
It scares me.
I love him, and I just want to tell him.
I know, deep down, he loves me too.
He's just scared.

Distance

It's true.
He's really far away - 6 some-odd hours.
It's not really my favorite aspect of this relationship.
I frequently desire to be wrapped up in his arms.
But I see strength on the other side.
I feel like being this far away makes me work harder, and care more.
He isn't someone I can take for granted because he's not here.
Every moment spent with him is a moment I cherish for always.
The best part is that time is fleeting, and six hours is not a problem to me.
College doesn't take as long as you once would think. Why, this year is almost done.
I think that faith in one another will grow with the distance. I think our relationship can only strengthen from this, and I think that the distance will do the both of us good as we grow as individuals and set forth on the paths we're beginning to pave for our lives - both separate and together.

April 5th.

Yesterday I was pretty sure that I was going to have to deal with the end of my relationship.
Upsetting, yes - it's a new relationship. The beginning stages where we're just realizing it's potential, and learning and growing together.
The monumental thing, though, is that while I cried, I also realized that hurting myself because of it wasn't going to get me anywhere.
I woke up with the feeling of hatred. I wanted to stop eating and just lie there motionless in my bed until I heard from him again.
But I didn't.
I hauled my ass out of bed, and went on with my day. And even when he finally called me and that didn't go so well I kept trucking on.
I think the thing that I had to keep reminding myself was that even if he was gone, I'd still have myself. In fact, the only thing I'll only always have is myself. It sounds silly, but it's so true.
It turns out that I didn't get broken up with.
But the fact that I was able to keep my life going is an amazing feat for someone in remission for an eating disorder.
It gives me hope that I could actually be standing on my own two feet. Even though Thomas was the one who believed in me first, and supported me through everything - all of it - I'm okay. I'm okay to do this on my own.
I don't need him - even if it is nice to have him around. He's here now because I want him to be, and he wants to be, and that is the greatest reassurance of them all.

The Shift

I think that the moment it happened, I was too busy with my daily life to notice.
It wasn't until a couple of days later that I realized something great had happened, and my life was about to change.
Something clicked.
Just like that.
I've been trapped inside myself for almost three years now, and just now all the gears realigned, and I am the person I believe I was always destined to be.
It's amazing to me that I never realized before how simple everything can be, if you just let it. It's really not about complications and over-analyzations -- it just is, simply because it can be.
The best part is: I'm happy.
I get to enjoy the man that I'm with and everything he has to offer.
I love getting up in the morning and exploring what the day has prepared for me.
I'm free and relaxed.
My eyes are opened wide to the beautiful things that surround me -- including myself.
That was the biggest part. Learning to love me, I thought, was never going to happen. I realized though that I'll never be able to love someone else until that happened. There was no way. How can I love someone for loving me if I can't even figure out how to do that?
Right now, I just want nothing more than this happiness in this very moment, and I know that's what I deserve. The best part is that if I want it, I know I can have it.